The Best Damn Year of My Life

It's absolutely stunning how much can happen in only a year's time.

On a beautiful, dewy night in May, nestled in the North Carolina mountains with a houseful of friends, I sat snuggled on a bed with a box of Kashi cereal. I have a habit of bringing a snack to parties after many instances of winding up stranded and hungry, my heart palpitating, "WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK AHEAD, DUDE?!"

He walked up and sat down beside me. I had kept most of the cereal to myself, but his hands seemed clean enough and his smile was dazzling. "Sure," I said to his request for some, "but don't bogart it."

We sat together, talking and instigating our drunker pals with fake gossip for our own entertainment. We laughed and escaped to a quieter spot when our goading got a little out of hand. We talked more about everything, including our random and similar heart troubles. I barely knew him, but felt a very easy and strong connection that made me smile well after I'd departed for the evening.

The next day we all met for lunch on the beautiful patio at our favorite dive of a pub. We sat together, chatting the same invigorating chat as the night before. I had to depart back to the lowlands, but not before exchanging numbers with the most interesting person I'd met in longer than I could remember.

I sat on the edge of my seat, waiting to see if I'd imagined the connection, if he'd actually get in touch. If we'd actually ever see each other again. He put my mind at ease with an invitation to hang out that weekend and since then, it has been a whirlwind of unparalleled laughter and love, so much love.

This is the man I now call my boyfriend, but he's so much more than that trivial label. He's my best friend, my personal comedian, my supporter, my sounding board for everything. He has filled this year with so much joy for me, even during the darkest of times.

I love knowing that I can come home to him at any time. I love that when I tell him I wrote this, he will make some deprecating comment that will make both of us laugh. I love that because of the confidence I have in our relationship, I have the courage to make this (semi) public declaration of love for a man who deserves that kind of thing.

From warm summer days by the pool, to major hatin' on kids distracting our games of putt-putt, to late nights in our state's capital, to cool fall evenings in our now-home of the Twin City, to a holiday season of firsts, to cookouts every day in the spring weather, we have grown and grown together. I can only imagine the growth that waits on the road ahead.

I could wax on about a night in August when I heard the best combination of words known to man. I could tell you about the fuzzy feelings during that October Live concert. I could tell you how it still feels amazing every time he takes care of me or stands in my corner. I could tell you about every day I have spent with J in great detail, but I won't because it would overwhelm the both of us  – you with words, me with love and so much appreciation.

After a few bumps in the romantic road, I have finally found a person who respects me enough to be honest and loyal. I finally found a man who wants to walk beside me instead of in front of me, who believes in my intelligence and my dreams. I found someone I can count on, no matter how murky and rough the waters become. I found someone who can make me laugh until I feel like I might burst, and sometimes I do with tears.

So to the man in question, thank you. Thank you, J, for being who you are. Thank you for making me feel loved and secure. Thank you for being man enough to be with me through everything. Thank you for being brave enough to stand on shaky ground once and a while. Thank you for this lovely home we have with two wild pups. Thank you for making me the best version of me I've ever been. Above all, thank you for knowing like I do that laughter is the most important part of anything in life, and ensuring that I'm doing just that, first thing in the morning.

You're pretty groovy, kid. I think I might keep you around. Happy "I met you one year ago," Eddie. Bern loves you.

Crazy Optimist

The other day, I thought about all of the weird things that happen to me and the even weirder way I react to them. I realized that even though I hate insensitivity, unkindness, bigotry, etc., that I am still kind of this crazy optimist. Case in point: my adventures learning how to ride a motorcycle.

I mean, hell yeah, I got frustrated and cried at one point because THE BOYS WERE LAUGHING AT ME, AND THE KICK STARTER WAS REALLY HURTING MY LEG, AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN TELLING ME HOW TO DO ANYTHING?!!#@* But after that mild set-back, some water, and some teaching, I was ready to get back on that beautiful vintage piece of ass.

I had already ridden unassisted twice, and now that I had an idea of how to get the damn thing going, I was feeling good. I decided to drive around the yard before we returned to the trails, just so I could get the hang of it all. I took off, kept control, and did my first turn cleanly and without fear. I got a little excited, almost pushed the wrong brakes, and instantly freaked out as I realized the giant magnolia tree was getting bigger and bigger. I tried to get my foot to the back brakes in time, but all I could do was scream and thank god that little bike stalled out the moment you let go of the throttle.

I instantly started laughing. The boyfriend came running over, friend in tow, and they were already in tears as well. We finally rolled the bike out of the branches and I think invigorated by the humor of it all, I immediately kickstarted the bike for the first time all day. I felt better than ever, so excited that I could maneuver a machine I'd never been on in my life, I was in control, and OHMYGOD MY FEET AREN'T EVEN NEAR THE BRAKES AND THE TREE IS ONLY FIVE FEET AWAY!

Bam. I crashed again, this time two feet from my previous crash site and about half a foot from an incredibly "I'll impale you" looking branch. We all laughed again, documented it for posterity, and I decided to walk the bike well away from the tree before giving it another go.

At the end of the day, I walked up to the tree and searched for the perfect bloom on that bitch. The boys got it down for me, and I took it home.

Moral of the story?

(Many more of these self-created Crazy Optimist memes will make their debut soon, so stay tuned!)

The Life of an Afterthought

It's hard to admit you might be least loved in a group of people, but it's something I've always struggled with. This might sound whiny or paranoid as shit, but either way, it's something that I've dealt with my entire life and only recently come to terms with.

I am the last on the call list for almost every one of my pals. I don't blame them, what with my horrid phone skills, but I also don't really understand it. I don't know if their behavior is actually punishment for my independence, a double-edged sword that spawns a lack of reliance on others for periods of time, but it sure seems deliberate. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm tired of finding things out from some mental case I don't even like or a website. Really, I'm just tired of being the last kid invited to the sleepover.

I know everyone purportedly feels this way. My family members have told me they've felt like this before. A friend told me recently everyone feels like this and it's never true - maybe she's right. My boyfriend challenges to say that he is even lower on the totem pole than I. Still, even with J in tow, I can't shake the feeling that I'm right about this whole, shitty thing.

Because I've dealt with this for years, in recent months I've just been trying to let it go. This has involved a lot of random tears and upsets, because in a sense, I'm mourning. I'm mourning the relationships I thought I had and accepting them for what they are. That's not to say they are any less important to me now, I am just no longer functioning in a delusional tunnel of "OHPLEASEPLEASEMAYBEEEE!?!?!"

It's okay that I get the last phone call, the last invite, the last plate of food at a restaurant. It's okay that I am an afterthought. It's okay because that means I can choose my forethoughts instead of feeling obligated to stretch myself until I'm too thin to be any good to anyone.

This is not a declaration for pity because I don't want anyone's. I've finally stopped pitying myself, and that's all I need. Sure, sometimes this notion of afterthoughtness makes my blood boil or a tear fall from my eye, but I know after that feeling is gone, I will no longer wallow in my one person pity party. Why? Because I've made peace with it, and I finally put on my god damn big girl panties.

I quoted the Avett Brothers not too long ago. You know, the one that went "I wanna have friends that I can trust, that love me for the man I've become, not that man that I was?" That's been running on a pretty consistent loop in my head in recent days. And just like that song, it's a little sad, but mostly true. All of this just means one thing: I'm growing up... again. I'm ready for it even if my inner-psyche is still a child who wants to play all day and eat a gross amount of junk food.

Adult Rachel will carry on in her life of an afterthought and in her workday now (more on that later), but Kid Rachel will daydream about television and another beachy vacation (more on that later, too).

The Full Gonna Experience

Since I recently signed up for another service, I figured now would be a good time to get everyone caught up on where exactly The Gonna Girl is hanging out on the Internet. I know most of you who follow me have long known about my various media outlets for this blog, but I have to keep my new readers in mind! Bear with me, Gonna Vets.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

If you're not using bloglovin', do it. I seriously don't understand how I lived without it! You can follow my blog there as well.

If you're not already following me on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest look for the buttons to the right with their coinciding names. These will lead you to the accounts so you can follow me for updates and exclusives not seen here!

 As for Instagram, my site button will lead you to a Hashgram account so you can actually see all of my photos, regardless if you're an Instagrammer. If you are the latter however, follow me directly on Instagram at – what else? – thegonnagirl.

My contact information is found here. Use it!

Now that'll be all for a while, folks. I'm going on VACATION!!!!! I'll be at the beach in a swanky little house with my man and a bunch o' pals. It's gonna be amazing, but I'll miss my blogees!

(I've got some entries on deck, but who knows if they'll actually publish when/where they're supposed to. I guess you'll know before me, right?!)

Have a lovely week, darlings. I'll be back!

P.S. I've hit over 10,000 views! Thanks, y'all.

Gonna What?

While waiting patiently for some dentistry coverage war to fizzle out, I haven't really known which of my harder hitting gonnas to work on. Sadly, I haven't the money for most of them. Others of them need tons of preparation, both mentally and physically. I pondered over my little list, which hasn't grown at all – oops? – and realized I've already done one of them.

I know, what? Like why haven't I been toasting champagne to myself in celebration?! Why am I not lying on a chaise lounge, being fed grapes by lots of admirers from the far ends of the earth? Because I didn't even realize this gonna was on my list. My bad.

See, I'd kind of slipped it in there in this extremely vague fashion. The bullet "Bad health" with some indecipherable-to-everyone-but-me notes parenthesized beside it could mean a million things. Do I want bad health? Is it the name of a shitty little rock band I love?

Though I'm sure you've picked up on my myriad of health issues, and the anxiety it's caused me, and the hatred for most doctors I now have, and my inability to do anything I want, AND... anyway, I digress. The point is, I made it a gonna goal to FIX what I deemed as my "bad health." While I have miles to go since I was so deep inside the pit that is rock bottom, I'm happy to say I'm now bivvying on the mid-side of that pit. Inadvertently, of course.

It all started after a holiday season of overindulgence. J and I were tired of looking at our newly transformed bodies, despite the fact my mouth still watered thinking about all of the awesome food we'd ingested over the months prior. We decided to do something about it, and it didn't take us too long to arrive at the inevitable conclusion of gym membership.

We signed up in February, and though we've had our fair share of obstacles here and there, we've done pretty well keeping up. We aren't there everyday (yet), but I can see the changes, and oh man, can I feel 'em.

The fact I have to pace myself due to my ever-sensitive heart gets me weird, judgy looks from gym snobs, but I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I've found what works for me and will continue to work at it 'til I find the optimal regimen. Oh, and just because I pace myself, Tapout Frat-King, doesn't mean I haven't lost almost 20 pounds, toned my muscles, increased my strength, and decreased my heart issue flare-ups. Suck on that, penis breath.

In addition to working on strengthening my body inside and out, I've been trying really, really hard to kick my sugar addiction. The one food I crave all day long is ice cream, and I could literally eat an entire quart without feeling regret or nausea. Not only did I want to move off of my toning plateau, I wanted to stop waking up with the shakes for birthday cake every morning. I still nab some sugar on special occasions, but otherwise, I keep Stevia in my cupboard and only take shots of juice instead of my favored Big Gulp serving.

So with the help of some lean protein, a pretty nifty little gym, a distinct lack of sweets, and cutting out all of that gross-but-I-love-it food I randomly crave, my once fragile little body is actually kind of normal again. I can run sometimes! I can help my boyfriend lift huge boxes without straining! I could challenge Michelle Obama to an arm off! (She would win, but I'm almost there, thanks to her inspiration.) Rawr.

Ladies and gents, another gonna off the list. However, this is one I'll always be working on, and I'm starting to love doing just that.

Health, love, and happiness... or some shit like that.

Amendment One

Down here in lil ol' NC, there's an amendment being voted on today. While it is masked as an amendment concerning gay marriage, its wording has far more repercussions than that. It threatens the well being of all families in this state, no matter what color, sexual preference, or religion they may be.

After trying to calmly stand against this amendment and its harmful implications, I finally released my inner-lioness on a bunch of strangers when they started using shaky evidence to "support" their discrimination. Despite the fact it felt really good to take them down a peg, I know there is no reasoning with unreasonables, and I should maintain my intellect (and my temper) when trying to sway someone from being an asshole.

The point is, I'll be walking out my door in a few hours to go to the church where I'll vote AGAINST this amendment. I will vote against it to protect strangers across this state, to stand up to bigotry, and to protect my own relationship, as well as my sister's.

I'm in a hetero relationship. My sister is in this thing people have dubbed as a "homosexual" relationship, though I can tell you there are many more terms she and others like her would rather you use. I'm slightly luckier, but not by much, because there isn't already a law in the state constitution that could one day ban me from marrying. Yes, you read that right. There's ALREADY a law in place that makes gay marriage illegal here. It's in the NC state constitution. So why the extra discrimination? What's up with the double-up on prejudice? Your guess is honestly as good as mine.

See, the reason I'm only slightly luckier is because if this law passes, my relationship will be be just as invalid as hers under the eyes of the law. If my live-in boyfriend gets injured in our garage while working on his bike, I can't ride in the ambulance and give the EMS his medical history because we're not married. It doesn't matter that we love each other deeply. It doesn't matter that I could maybe save his life with the information I have. None of it matters if this amendment becomes law because our relationship will be, frankly, imaginary to them. Comparing our extremely real relationship to the likes of mythical creatures like unicorns because we don't have a sheet of paper validating our relationship doesn't sit well with me.

From what I've read, seen, and listened to, the people who are for this amendment have based their opinion heavily in one religion. Not only does this go against our country's entire foundation of freedom of religion, but it vastly oversteps the idea of church and state ABSOLUTELY being separate. The small group of people in this particular sect of religion are not even backed up by the majority of their brethren because most people, despite religion, call discrimination when they see it. If you're unable to realize that kind of thing, let me tell you: Amendment One is an overreaching law that is 100% discrimination. It's 2012, not 1912.

I understand how scary it is to embrace change, but some of the best things in life come from it. Most of the people who think this amendment is a good idea are so uncomfortable with the unfamiliar that they are willing to risk the lives of thousands of innocent citizens to stay protected in their "safe" little bubble. That's not right. They are not only hurting the rest of us, but severely damaging themselves. I feel sorry for them because they will never find true happiness by staying the same and hurting others. Love and compassion are where it's at.

Even if this amendment threatened only gay marriage, – it doesn't, (see the list below for other parties who will be impacted) – who is anyone to say that someone can't love who they love? Who is one person to say that another person's relationship is less valid, less "right?" One woman I came into contact with said she "believed in her own marriage, but didn't understand why 'they' needed to get married? Did the paper mean that much?" I told her to rip up her own marriage license if it didn't mean anything. It's not right for this woman to believe SHE can get married, but anyone who does things she doesn't understand or is afraid of, can't.

I'm voting against Amendment One today to protect the people who could lose everything with this amendment's passing. I am voting against to protect my own relationship. I am voting against to protect the rights of my fellows citizens, not take them away. I am voting against to give my sister a chance of one day being able to marry who she loves, because good god, why not?

We have given women the rights they deserve. We have given other cultures and races the rights they deserve. We should not hesitate to give NC children, women, elderly, and citizens of all sexual persuasions the same rights and protections. We need to move forward, not back. We need to love, not hate. We need to ensure equality for the future.


I have lost friends over this and am not afraid to lose more. Standing up for what is right is more important.

Happy Star Wars Day!

“There was an old man in a cloak carrying a glowing blue sword, a man dressed entirely in black with a helmet like a dog’s face and a glowing red sword, a young blond boy in pyjamas, a cool-looking guy in a waistcoat firing a big pistol, a similarly armed girl in a white dress, a gorilla, a dustbin with legs, and a gold homosexual.”

- Simon Pegg, on first seeing Star Wars at age 7

From that sexy scoundrel to the moment I KNEW Darth would finally come around, Star Wars has been a huge part of my life. I've already admitted my love for Han, started a Yoda blog, and boasted my picture with Chewy, so I don't think I need to say how often SW runs through my mind. These pieces of art and photos can declare my love more brilliantly than words every could.

May the Fourth be with you... always.

(R2D2 in Helvetica - David Benoliel)

(via canv.as)

(Behind the Scenes still)

( A note from George Lucas to James Cameron when
Titanic dethroned Star Wars at the box office. )

And the grand finale...

(AT-AT Day Afternoon - Patrick Boivin)